Self-Confidence

So I have struggled with my self esteem my entire life.  I don't struggle with it each and every day.  Sometimes I am super confident and feel really good.  My problem is it takes that one off look or that one comment to make me come down.  I don't like being like this and it is a fight every day.  Ive been told by many people, I am too sensitive, too emotional, take things to heart.  And this is true to am those things. I recognize them and I try to keep it under control.  Sometimes though when I am constantly being told bad things about myself or constantly being treated as if my feelings don't matter then it gets to me.  And maybe i am too sensitive but that's just me.  Love me or not its me.  One the other hand I am very loyal, a good listener, sweet, kind, helpful, and a good person.  I am a good mom, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, neice.  One problem i think i have is my ability to love and care for others is so huge that i expect nothing less in return.  And people are not as capable as I am of giving back.  So I get to where I feel picked on so much that i either fight back or I let it go and don't say anything get hurt.  Well lately i have been getting hurt alot lately and letting people run all over me. Well I am tired of it and tired of feeling like people can say or do what they want to me.  Well I am not going to take it anymore.  the more i take and take and take the lower my self esteem gets.  And I do not deserve that.  I am going to start telling people to back off of me.... and if they don't like it then that is their problem but i am done with it.  I don't deserve it and i won't take it anymore.   So if people want to continue to make snarky comments to me then bring it because you are going to get as good as you get from now on.  Tonya is back.  This does not mean i am going to turn into some angry person.  It just means i am going to take crap i don't have to take from people.  I am not worthless and dumb and i will not be treated like i am worthless and dumb anymore.  I will continue to be me, kind, loving, good person, good family member, good mom, good daughter sister aunt, good friend, good employee because that is who I am.  That is me!  Not this person who is concerned about what she means to other people.  I will be me. 

Talents

Today's special...um topic is talents.  When I talk about talents I do not mean talents like what people used in the Bible for monetary value.  I mean talents as in being good at something.   I have none, at all.  I wish I could sing, paint, any art, any sewing, or stuff like that is simply out of the question.  I love to sing but can't carry a tune.  Any sort of art is not going to happen.... I am not good at it or i have no patience for it.  I cannot sew a button.  I got kicked out of band and told to find other extra curricular activities.  I love love sports but am not and never was supertalented.  I might have been good if i was not so terribly shy.  I played softball as a kid but probably wasn't that great, I don't know.  I don't think I was horrible though at least I hope not.....  I am not good at writing though I would like to be.  But they say everyone has a talent. I wish i knew mine.

What Hostings Means to Me

I started hosting foreign exchange students way back in September of 2007.  I started hosting totally on accident.  One day my cousin Kaitlin then fifteen years old came home from high school and said they were looking for a host home for this foriegn exchange student named Lisa.  Pronounced (LEE ZA) Im all well I will do it.  I mean why not I was single and had an empty room so I did it.  Hosted Lisa from September 2008 to May 2009.  We had a good time and some good memories were made.  Unfortunetly towards the end of the year we did not get along and our relationship was damaged.  Since then it was hard to remember the good times Lisa and I had but they are coming back now.  We are not in touch though we did talk for the first time in well over a year about a month ago.  It was not all her and it was not all me.  But Lisa was definitly my first and the one I made mistakes with trying to figure out what i was doing.  It was different going from living alone for several years to having a teenager in the house. But we made it through.
Next up was my beautiful, amazing, sweet Jorien.  This is my heart right there.  We became so close so quickly.  We have the same interests and the same sense of humor.  We had 0 problems.  When she left I was devestated.  But I made it throught.  And people ask me would I do it again.  Absolutely because she is my daughter now!  and if i had not done it i would not have her.  It was worth every minute of the pain I felt when she left.  She is in my life and i would not have it any other way.  Jorien is a combination of daughter, sister, and best friend all in one. I love her so much and there is nothing i would not do for her.  I look forward to talking to her everyday and we do talk almost everyday about everything under the sun.
Third in line was my darling sweet sunny beautiful eliska.  My moon or my sun however you want to look at it.  She was my soul when i thought everything was going wrong.  My Eliska who hung in there with me through all my moodiness.  This was a girl who was coming after my heart left me.  I didn't know if i had the love to give someone like i did Jorien.  Eliska who hung in there and showed me yes it was possible to love them both.  Completely different personalities but i love them both so much.  Again I would change a thing about my eliska or anything while she was here.  Eliska showed me i have enough room in my heart for as many daughters as I wanted. Another one I love so much and would do anything for. 
Next up is Karina and Hauke.  Two very different girls.  They both live with me at the same time.  They get along great.  Both have been here a month in a half now and it feels just right.  I am growing to love them both.  And thanks to their older "sisters" I know i can. 
We are a family.  Albeit a scattered out all over the world family.  This has brought at least four girls from four different countries together.  Girls that consider each other sisters as much as they consider me their "american momma".  Girls that love me as much as i love them.  These girls bring joy to my life and allow me to "mother" someone.  We spend time together, we talk, we laugh.... We are a family.
A family I love and would not trade in for anything.  I love you girls so much.

Everybody Wants to Feel Like Someone Cares

Lately the words of the Nickleback song "Gotta Be Somebody" has been going through my head and Ive been wanting to listen to it alot. Its about wanting to be important to someone and not wanting to do it all alone.   This song speaks to me because I often feel that way.  Its human nature to want to belong to a group.  To feel you are an absolutely important member of a group.  I know I do.  For all my talk I just want to know that I am important to someone.  That no matter what they love me.  And they love me for me and not for what they think i should be.  I just want to know there is someone out there for me.  I just want to be an that important person for someone.  But I have accepted I will most likely never have a husband or kids of my own.  But i am thankful for the kids God has allowed me to be part of their lives.  I love them deeply.   I want to be an important person to someone.  I love my life and those in it and am not trying to complain.. Just some thoughts i have.

Sports

I love sports!  Its football season know and i love football.   Everyone who knows me know this.  I love all football.  High School, Professional, College it doesn't matter to me.  I wish Garrett was still playing but he made the decision to concentrate on basketball which he is very good at basketball.  Football makes me happy, I don't know why.  I think I started watching football when I was younger because my dad is big Saints fan so by default I became a Saints fan.  I think I love sports so much because it helps me to connect with my dad.  It gives us something to talk about and I love that.  I have alot of "if i could do that over again" moments.  One of them was not trying out for the high school softball team because I was so scared and afraid I would not make it.  I wish I would have.   What I tell my girls is you may as well try it because you don't want to wonder what would have happened if you would have.  Rather than not try and give it your best shot.  But I digress....  Back to sports.  I think sports can make you feel part of something bigger than yourself.  Okay well that's it for now. Until next time.

what to write about

Some day soon I am going to figure out a real topic to write about.  It seems like everytime I think of something to write about its in the middle of the day and I am driving down the street. I could write about a book but i am not really reading anything right now.  I guess I could talk about my indesciveness.  I really want to write this but I am definitly not a writer.  But i promise to think of an interesting topic and write about it... So stay tuned.

Me!

So this is my first try at this blogging.  A little about me. I am 34 years old.    I love to read.  I love to hang out with friends.  I love to laugh and make people laugh.  I love sports of all types.  My heart and soul are in Europe.  I am a social worker.  I am sure I will post more about me later.  This is just a little tidbit.